Waiting for Godot!

The average American spends 159 hours in a lifetime waiting. OK, I just pulled that number out of my hat. As I spent much of today "lying in wait," I came up with a lifelong timeline of detainment. Here goes...

In utero: We spend approximately forty weeks waiting for our arrival into this world. Starting as a fertilized egg, we slowly develop from a tadpole into the more humanlike fetus. And then we wait...

Infancy: Much of babyhood is spent waiting. Waiting for a bottle or feeding. Waiting to be burped. Waiting to be changed. No wonder babies cry with so much frustration! It is almost worse than the DMV!

Toddler Stage: We have made it through infancy but are still waiting....Waiting for mom or dad to pick us up. Still waiting with the dirty diaper. Waiting for the next spoonful of mushy cereal. Waiting to eat something that doesn't resemble paste from a jar...Waiting for that first tooth to erupt...

Pre-Scho0l: The official home of learning to wait. Wait your turn on the tricycle. Wait for the purple crayon. Wait for the juice and cookies. Wait for your turn to talk...

Kindergarten: Still waiting. Waiting for the bus. Waiting for mommy or daddy to pick us up. Waiting for our turn in the bathroom. Waiting for the ball. Waiting for Susie to be finished with the doll.

Elementary School: Waiting for our turn as flag or office monitor. Waiting for the teacher to notice we are raising our hand. Waiting for our turn at the handball court or jump rope. Waiting to write the answer on the chalkboard. Waiting for the bus...

Junior High/Middle School: Waiting for our crush to notice us. Waiting for our friends to notice our new haircut, shirt, jeans. Waiting for an invitation to a big party. Waiting for our teacher to grade our essay. Waiting for the most popular school lunch. Waiting to get to high school.

High School: The waiting continues....Waiting to get a grade back. Waiting to find out if we made the team or got the lead part. Waiting to find out if that cute boy in Spanish likes you. Waiting for your friend to find out if he likes you. Waiting to see if he'll ask you to Homecoming. Waiting for your license. Waiting for a car. Waiting for your SAT scores. Waiting for your thick college acceptance letter. Waiting for your prom date. Waiting for graduation.

College: Waiting to register. Waiting for a bid from a sorority or fraternity. Waiting to sign up for a popular course. Waiting for an internship. Waiting in line at the keg. Waiting to talk to the professor. Waiting to talk to that guy or girl in your Psych 101 class. Waiting to find out if he or she has a girlfriend or boyfriend. Waiting for to find out a grade. Waiting to see if you got into Junior Year Abroad. Waiting for an internship. Waiting for graduation. Waiting for interviews. Waiting for a job.

Adulthood: Waiting. Waiting in line at the DMV, at the market in the express line in back of someone with 12 items. Waiting at the doctor's office/dentist's office/any office which only has year old "People" Magazines and "AARP." Waiting for test results. Waiting to hear about a job. Waiting for a returned phone call/text/e-mail. Waiting to pick up an accident report which isn't yet ready. Waiting at the pharmacy, both when you drop off a prescription and pick it up. Waiting for bread to rise. Waiting for something else to rise. Waiting at the cleaners, the bank, the post office. Looking back and noticing the line behind is now longer than the line in front which is the most fulfilling part of waiting.

Waiting for the bus. Waiting for a cab. Waiting for our outgoing or incoming flight. Waiting for someone else's incoming flight.

Waiting for the proposal. Waiting for the ring. Waiting to find out if she accepts. Waiting for the wedding. Waiting for the honeymoon. Waiting to find out if you got the house. Waiting for the movers. Waiting for the cable guy/electrician/plumber or anyone else with a four-hour window. Waiting for the home pregnancy test. Waiting for the doctor. Waiting for amnio results. Waiting to tell everyone. Waiting till the sixth month. Waiting for labor pains. Waiting for the epidural.

And then it starts all over again!

Screw Traffic!

Driving on the freeways of Southern California, one notices all sorts of reasons for traffic tie ups. Accidents, stalled cars, debris in the roadway. Yesterday, someone left a blow up doll in the middle of the carpool lane of the 60 freeway in Mira Loma.

We have all seen movies where some jerk kicks his girlfriend out of the car following an argument. This leaves me wondering what the blow up doll did to warrant such a reaction. Certainly, she didn't spurn his sexual advances. I thought that was kind of the point of blow up dolls, aside from perhaps some sexual fetish.

What would Ponch and Jon do?

Garanimals for Grown Ups?

Does anyone remember Garanimals, a children's clothing line of mix and match separates introduced in 1972. Each respective animal represents a color and style to coordinate with any piece in that line. The concept is driven by the idea that how a child dresses will effect their self-concept.

Now, I saw the clothing line on the company website. These Gymboree type collections aren't exactly hip. Lots of thematic graphics and patterns. Not exactly fashion forward.

However, I did get to thinking. What if someone came up with a Garanimal type line for adults? I have seen enough adults in my day who look like they just grabbed whatever looked sort of clean from the hamper and rolled out the door.

What if there was a Cougar line filled with cheetah prints, low cut shirts, and leggings with some metallic thrown in for good measure? How about Cougar prey for 20-something slackers? Baggy pants, backwards baseball caps, and bling? The sloth line for balding middle aged divorced men of Hawaiian shirts, cargo shorts, and same baseball caps. The hippo line for heavy-set county fair attendees or poly blend slacks with elasticized waistbands, track suits, and over blouses.

Then again, since these folks already wear said clothing, perhaps we should go with a more fashion forward look.

Clothes do make the man...or woman...or child. Fashion is a form of self-expression and an art form.

The Cougar of Kuala Lampur

107 year old MMF seeks much younger man for marriage and companionship. Drug addicts in or out of recovery need not apply.

Wook Kundor is on the prowl so watch out, men of Malaysia! This wrinkled faced centenarian fears she "doesn't have the body nor am I a young woman who could attract anyone." Personally, I am impressed she is even thinking about dating and guys as she is well past the point where she blew out 100 candles on her birthday cake!

Her current husband, seventy years her junior, is currently in rehab and she fears he'll leave her for a younger woman once his program ends. Considering 99.9% of the female population is younger than Wook, she may have a point! The playing field is wide open, although I am not sure a guy just out of recovery is a good match for anyone! Shouldn't he be working on his own stuff before he hooks up with someone else? But that's another story...

I find myself rooting for Wook. She is like the ultimate cougar! Meow

BO Ban on Buses?

Body Odor. Public Transportation. These two elements go hand in hand, like peanut butter and jelly. Fries and ketchup. Coffee and cream.

Today, the Honolulu City Council heard a bill in committee seeking to "regulate a number of dangerous and annoying behaviors on city buses" which includes B.O. Authored by Councilmen Rod Tam and Nestor Garcia, the bill would carry up to $500 in fines and a possible jail term of up to six months for these olfactory offenders. The ban would make illegal to have "odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system," regardless if their source is clothes, personal belongings, animals, or presumably armpits.

Now, I have spent many hours on the subways of New York and New Jersey Transit, mid-summer. The malingering aroma of body odor mixed with whatever these folks ate for lunch is enough to turn your stomach. Throw in a couple of flatulent riders and nausea ensues. However, isn't the whole aroma thing part of the experience? Like Starbuck's without the wafting scent of roasted espresso beans or Ray's Original Pizza without the whiff of garlic?

Does anyone remember the Smelly Car episode of Seinfeld when Elaine discovers a parking valet's lingering b.o. in Jerry's BMW? One of the funniest moments of television!

I think I may have a better solution than throwing all these offenders in jail. (And imagine prison guards working with all that body odor around them? They will probably go on strike for unfair working conditions!) Why don't the bus drivers pass out little samples of Secret or Ban? Unscented, of course! Maybe the Renuzit people can invent some kind of bus sanitizer.... Or Public Transit Febreze?

I will be following the outcome of this story. And I am wondering what the other "dangerous and annoying" behaviors entail? What about burping loudly, passing wind, picking one's nose?

And we were worried about the Patriot Act!

Dancing with DeLay (or Tango Argentino Part II)

Who got peanut butter in my chocolate? When the worlds of conservative politics and popular culture become enmeshed, humor is an obvious result. I couldn't even dream up a story resulting in more guffaws than this! Tom DeLay, Dancing Machine? The possibility of The Hammer appearing in pink spandex with "false chest hair." I could not resist signing up for updates on Mr. DeLay's website. Here's hoping it isn't some vast right wing conspiracy to get me to change sides!

If you haven't heard, Tom DeLay, former House Majority Leader, will be two-stepping, disco-ing, and performing all sorts of nifty dance moves on the upcoming season of ABC-TV's Dancing With The Stars. Apparently, Mr. DeLay has some pretty impressive moves on the dance floor.

Let's take a peak at the backstory before moving on. Mr. De Lay, aka The Hammer, developed a reputation for his enforcement of party discipline in close votes and for taking political retribution on opponents. He rose up the ranks of Republican politics rather swiftly until 2005 when a Texas grand jury indicted him on criminal charges for conspiracy to violate campaign finance laws, a charge he denies. Under pressure from his party, he stepped down as Majority Leader in 2006. Despite the conviction of two of his former aides in the Jack Abramoff lobbying scandal, he ran for re-election and won the primary. He decided to withdraw from the race and resigned from his seat.

That is the general consensus of things went down. However, Mr. DeLay has a different spin on the events.

According to his Dancing With DeLay website, "When former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay decided to leave Congress in 2006, he immediately went to work researching how the Democrats have built their outside operations and massive political coalitions, and rebuilding the conservative movement by identifying and filling the voids so conservatives could better compete in this new political paradigm. Despite repeated Democrat attempts to drive him out of politics, DeLay has thrived in a new arena, with the sole goal to help conservatives, whether through new or previously existing organizations, work together to drive their message. "

Wondering if that message includes the Hustle!

According to his wife, DeLay has been busy practicing his moves and even dropped 12 pounds! He told Chris Cuomo on GMA, "I love dancin'! You got to love dancin' if you're from Texas, I haven't danced in about 20 years. But, um, I love dancin'." Guess he was too busy aggressively pushing through the Conservative agenda or being chased out by liberals, depending on whose position you take.

While I was without a doubt no fan of DeLay's politics, I am anxious to see him boogie. In fact, I am delighted to note that he has links to Twitter, his Facebook page, and even plans to upload videos to You Tube! I could always use a good laugh and plan to start following him on Twitter today!

In the meantime, I strongly encourage you to visit Mr. DeLay's website, www.tomdelay.com. Sometimes, reality trumps fiction and I am assuming this is the case!

Forget Lust, This is LOVE!

The past few days, I have been using this blog to reflect on life's deeper issues. I have been pleasantly surprised by the countless shoe stories shared by friends and acquaintances who have been following my blog. As a tribute to my fellow shoe fanantics (or some would say fetishists!), today I will post about shoes which is what started me on my journey!

Perusing through my e-mails, I opened a sale notification from Saks.com, keeping my fingers crossed that I might find my red soles on sale. Alas, only in hot pink or yellow. Since I owned a pretty impressive collection of Charles Jourdan's back in the 1980's, I have gone the every color of the rainbow route. I am not all that tempted to revisit, although I did have quite a bit of fun traipsing around New York in shades of red, yellow, white, and aqua.

Time for some fantasy shoe shopping. Hit Christian Louboutin and see what happens. The usual charming suspects, lined in a row. I notice a suave shoe in the second row. Hmmm. This needs closer examination. I believe this shoe is winking at me. (And I haven't even had any cocktails today!) The LOVE pump? 4 inch black heels with the red sole; red patent design by throat. This design spells LOVE in shiny patent leather when together as a pair. I think I may have found the shoe of my dreams when I wasn't even looking! Fascinating, great sense of humor, dashing, sexy, this shoe has it all! I know the Simple 100 may be more classic and staid. But this shoe is too good to be true!

I hope all my single readers out there can find love as readily as I found the shoes of my dreams. I know your mothers have probably advised you love is found when you are not looking for it or when you are doing something else like attending a Learning Annex class in a male-dominated subject like Car Repair for Dummies. But, there is so much more excitement in catching the eye of that tall, handsome stranger in the corner. (Or in my case, the debonair pump at Saks.com!)