To Tell The Truth, 2009

At various times since 1956, a game show called ""To Tell the Truth" featured panelists charged with guessing which of three guests was honest.

A significant part of my youth was spent in front of the television watching shows such as "Match Game," "What's My Line?," "Password," and other classic game shows. I am still a fan of the Game Show Network.

Ah, where have all the good game shows gone?

Well, the Michael Jackson events of the last few days have inspired me to produce "To Tell the Truth" updated for 2009! The pilot will feature a cast of eccentric characters, all claiming parentage of MJ's children!

"I am Blanket's mother!"

Billie Jean Jackson made this assertion in court. Six months ago, Ms. Jackson filed a $1 billion lawsuit against the Gloved One and asked for joint legal and physical custody of Blanket. She wants visitation rights Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at 2 pm. Wonder what she is busy doing beforehand?

Our second contestant is Claire Elisabeth Fields Cruise who claims DNA evidence will show she is the mother of Michael's children, as well as Connor Cruise, the son of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. She claims Michael happily handed over Connor because he didn't like the shade of his skin. Ms. Cruise claims former boyfriends fathered the Jackson's children and that "there is technology in existence" to transplant conceived children from her body into the body of surrogates who gave birth to them.

The third guest will be cast when someone else presumably enters the mix which could be any day now.

Blindfolded panelists will question the three women and decide which of three is the birth mother!

Next week's show will feature former child star Mark Lester and two other men claiming paternity.

If anyone likes my pitch, I am seeking representation!

Tie Me Up! Glue Me Down!

What do you get when you mix three or four scorned women, a philandering rake, a bunch of rope, and some Krazy Glue?

A rather interesting story making its way through the airwaves.

Last month, Therese Ziemann allegedly lured her boyfriend of three months, Donessa Davis, to a seedy motel room, perhaps the kind that rents by the hour. After tying him up with the promise of a sensual massage, she phoned her sister, Michelle Belliveau; Davis's other lover, Wendy Sewell; and Davis's estranged wife, Tracey Hood-Davis. One of these acquaintances whom Ziemann claims to have known for "two minutes" brought the Krazy Glue and things got messy!

Davis charges the cabal taunted him and then Krazy glued his manhood to his leg. The women dispute, claiming they attached his penis to his stomach. I find myself curious about the distinction. Men have been known to exaggerate the size of a certain organ. It seems Davis wants to downplay that feature. Whatever.

With piqued curiosity, I watched a cool and collected Meredith Vieira interview Ziemann who denies being the ringleader of this plan. In fact, Therese (I feel like we can be on a first name basis since I know so much about her sex life) denies even the existence of a plot. Reminds me of one of the reality shows where everyone "coincidentally" shows up at the same party.

Therese confided in Meredith Vieira that "we had a conversation on the phone and all the three girls have their own interests in this. I can only speak for myself and mine has nothing to do with being a scorned woman, nothing." "Tying up Davis was personal between him and me."

In fact, she goes so far as to assert that "nothing was done against his will."

Now, as a fan of Pedro Almodóvar, I have seen "Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!" and get the bondage thing. However, I have yet to hear of a man who was turned on by having his penis permanently glued to another body part. Especially a guy like Davis who has a reputation for "keeping busy" with a plethora of sex partners.

Ziemann and Davis met via Craigslist, the paradigm of dating websites, I am sure. “I’m embarrassed — embarrassed might not even be the word — but I fell in love with him, and I’m ashamed of that, because it was just an actor I fell in love with. It’s not who he is."

So what is the lesson for today?

Girls, Craigslist is like the 99 Cent Store of "dating" websites. At least aspire to E-Harmony or Match.com!

And guys, if you agree to meet a woman in a motel room, make sure that is massage oil and not Krazy Glue!

Blogging as a Life Choice

This afternoon, one of my daughters and I sneaked out to see "Julie and Julia," an homage to Julia Childs and Julie Powell. Nora Ephron did a fabulous job blending the parallel stories of two foodies who shared their passion with their audience. I spent many hours of my childhood glued to PBS, watching Julia chop, dice, and snort her way through French cuisine. Not to brag, but I even did a pretty wicked imitation of Ms. Childs chopping onions! I have prepared the bouef bourgignon, mousse au chocolat, and other favorites. I even had to chance to see Ms. Childs at a book signing years later. And I share her love for butter!

Aside from brilliant, witty performances by Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci, and Amy Adams, what spoke most to me was the exhilaration Julie Powell felt when her blog was acknowledged and read by strangers. I imagine Ms. Childs felt the same when receiving compliments for Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

Writing is a solitary art. We spend hours alone at the computer or earlier, the typewriter. It may be every writer's dream to end up on the New York Times bestseller list or, in L.A., sell our screenplay. But at the end of the day, writing is one of our life functions, like breathing and eating. We are constantly observing, listening, watching. We seek humor or depth all around us.

As a teenager, I wrote a series of articles about a six week tour of Israel for a New Jersey daily newspaper, my first paid writing experience. I remember relishing the idea of others reading my work even more than the checks. My gig led to a speaking engagement to a senior group, many of whom had followed my articles. Very exciting for a 16 year old!

Blogging is basically blends personal expression with the drive to acquire an audience, whether they be "followers" or those who identify you as "favorite." What a thrill when the first reader who is not genetically related to us comments on one of our posts! We are being heard!

In Julie and Julia, Amy Adams character references this thrill several times. As a blogger and writer, I can relate to this phenomenal experience. Julie Powell lived the dream. Editors, publishers, Food Network execs, lit agents noticed her and she got a book deal and a movie! But even listing as an Editor's Choice is a personal accomplishment!

In essence, writing is very much like cooking. When we prepare the perfect Hollandaise, reine de saba (chocolate almond cake) or boeuf bourgignon, we generally do not cook for one. When Stanley Tucci's Paul Childs closed his eyes in appreciation for one of his wife's incomparable meals, Julia was in heaven.

So, as I leave you to contemplate fileting a duck or preparing live lobster (OK, maybe seared scallops over a bed of arugula), I am inspired by these two women who turned their passion for words and food into a cottage industry. And in Julia Childs' case, left a profound butter coated handprint on the way we experience food.

Bon Appetit!

Stop and Smell the (Nipple) Daisies

Recently, I came across some rather curious products while searching online. Depending on your point of view, these items may be hysterically funny, a sign of our times, or downright disturbing. I'd be interested to hear your take. All three of these items speak to our societal need to rush through childhood only to arrive at middle age and hit that brick wall.

The first item is Heelarious described on the company website as "soft crib shoes designed to look like high heels." These shoes came to be when two childhood BFF's, Britta Bacon and Hayden Porter, became business partners. Hayden is a high heel obsessed girl after my own heart. Her pal Britta seems to be more of the flat type. Note that this is not my intent to put down her personality, just her shoe type. At any rate, on her way to her daughter's 4th birthday party, she looked back at her daughter's babyhood, something all of us moms tend to do. Her brain cells seemingly crossed wires with thoughts of her friend's shoe obsession and Heelarious was born.

Retailing at $34.50, these faux shoes come in hot pink, red, pink satin, leopard, and a baby pink satin version complete with peep toe. They all feature really cute linings. The latest generation are cowboy boots, complete with spurs, available in black and in pink. I am curious to see that all black pump versions are about to be retired. Shoe rule Number One. When in doubt, buy black. Maybe shoppers fear dressing infants in black. I am waiting for the red soled version or maybe a nice Chanel style cap toe.

These shoes have been a hit with celebs such as Tori Spelling (surprise!) and have appeared in swag bags at the Oscars and Bravo A-List Awards where Paris and Kim Kardashian picked up a pair.

Obvious by the title of this blog, I, too, am a shoe obsessed girl who would go pretty far for a laugh. However, the mere thought of putting infants in stilettos somewhat bothers me. What next? Chanel bottle covers?

As the mother of a young teen, I am aware of our societal push to"bring sexy back" -- at least in hair, makeup, and style choices seen in fashion mags and in junior departments. Daisy Dukes, Uggs, and copious lipgloss are a common dress choice in junior high. Enough so that I support school uniforms! Are we really ready to bring babies into this mix?

Which leads me to the next product. Berjuan, a Spanish company, has introduced a baby doll which can be nursed, to promote lactation as a lifestyle choice. Now, I was a nursing mom and totally support the practice. However, I am not so sure we need to be showing six and seven year olds how to get their babies to latch on.

Bebe Gloton is currently available only in Spain. The doll comes complete with a halter top/bra contraption with daisies where a woman's breasts would be. The doll makes a crying sound followed by a sucking sound when the mouth device is activated near the floral nipples.

After watching a video demonstration of the doll, one European wrote, 'This toy would never work in the U.S. because the public would sexualize the act of breastfeeding, thereby deeming it inappropriate for little girl to engage in.' Guessing the reviewer has never heard of Heelarious. Culturally, we Americans are torn between our Puritanical heritage and Cinemax Late Night. Interesting.

Why do we try to rush through childhood without even pausing for commercial breaks? (Which are now obsolete thanks to TiVo!) That is, until we get to middle age. "Vogue," "In Style," and the like are filled with ads for cosmetic fillers and costly moisturizers. If we could lose ten pounds in a week while turning back the clock ten years, we would be in nirvana. As we arrive at the credits, we want to rewind. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It is part of life. We reconnect with past friends, reminisce and reflect on our life choices.

Nevertheless, the next trend is remotely creepy. Seems grown women have been spending cash, upwards of $4000, on lifelike baby dolls. Designed for people who "love to hold and nurture babies," for "emotional healing" and "filling a void," all comments I read online. Maybe these women should hold out till Bebe Gloton arrives in the States!

Are we incapable of enjoying each stage of life as it comes? Put the life TiVo on pause and let the kids play outside! Just don't let them wear stilettos to play kickball! And conversely, embrace your actual age! By all means, color your hair, practice yoga and Pilates, slather on that moisturizer! But, don't stress out about turning back the clock.

And if you need to buy one of the above items, I say go with the Heelarious crib shoes. At least they might get a few laughs at a baby shower or make a witty conversation piece decorating your desk!

More, More....

Ah, the pleasures of summer. Blueberries, corn on the cob, that juicy peach. And bad reality television which constantly reinvents itself. (Of course, some credit must be given to the creators of reality tv.)

Mike Fleiss, creator of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, has given us a new dating competition show. According to the Fox-TV website, More to Love follows "one regular guy's search for love among a group of real women determined to prove that love comes in all shapes and sizes." Well, bachelor Luke Conley is a 6'3" and over 300 pounds. Casting calls for these "voluptuous" and "full figured" ladies were held at national Lane Bryant plus sized boutiques. But, the point is well-taken.

I watched the premiere with some hesitation, especially when I read each girl's weight would be printed below their names. Yikes! I wondered if this was their "driver's license" weight or whether they stepped on a scale off camera. Really. Do they display the IQ's of the model/actress types as they emerge from the limo on The Bachelor? Okay, that was mean. But, why the constant focus on how much these folks weigh? Luke is described as a "former college football offensive lineman..." Is that code word for "What's your excuse?"

More than a handful of these curvy women cried about their lack of dates. I have watched enough reality shows and know enough single women to know this is a common complaint. However, some of these women have never even been on a first date, let alone made it to "round two." I wonder, in real life, if their desperation and lack of self esteem were more of a turn off than their appearance. The fairly constant stream of tears and "pity party" atmosphere at first engendered empathy. However, this could quickly turn the corner to annoying, especially peppered with discernible self-deprecation, as when Danielle referenced looking like a "beached whale" after jumping into the pool in her evening gown.

In lieu of the rose ceremony, these women are asked if they would "do the honour" of wearing Luke's "promise" ring. When he sends five girls packing at episode end, they are asked to return the ring. Pretty harsh. And all that talk about the "Luke" sandwich. Gag! Luke reminds me of nursery rhyme's Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry. In a smarmy pick up line approach, Luke asked one girl, Malissa, how to say "kiss" in Spanish. When she responded, he said, "Why don't you show me?" Pretty creepy but she complied. He asked for another "beso" after telling her about the elimination round. Is that a threat of a promise? She ended up in the final 15.

As I watched the women competing and hoping for a chance to make it to the next episode, I thought about junior high P.E. class. Remember the nonathletic kids who were left praying someone would pick them for the kickball team? I am sure some of these girls are athletic. There is even a personal trainer in the bunch. But, the whole scenario of seemingly desperate, needy women pining for a real estate developer from Santa Maria is a hard pill to swallow.

I think I will stick with "NYC Prep!"

Shoes by the Bay

I have recently returned from a glorious long weekend in the City by the Bay. My husband and I took our daughters on a first family trip up north. New Yorkers and other East Coast city dwellers typically prefer San Francisco to Los Angeles, two to one. I have never taken a survey but I am guessing I am on the money. L.A. is the land of flip flops, rice cakes and spray-on tans. San Francisco is much more sophisticated. The St. Francis, Nob Hill, pearls, and a martini, straight up. Of course, during summer, tourists roam North Beach and Fisherman's Wharf. Many of these tourists speak French and wear nice shoes. Don't get me wrong. I get the comfort/shoe connection. After all, lots of hills and walking to find transportation from one tourist spot to another. That said, when we took our cruise and tour of Alcatraz, I was the only one in Tory Burch Reva flats and pearls. I am not a sweatshirt and sneakers kind of girl. Imprisonment in Alcatraz would not have been an option.

Our trip to San Francisco was definitely a learning experience. We hit almost all of the tourist hot spots, some from the Hop On, Hop Off double decker bus. I would like to share some of the more salient points.

Lessons from Alcatraz

I will admit. The allure of visiting a prison, closed or not, has always escaped me. I guess it may be a guy thing. However, the gift shop did offer some pretty kitsch items quoting rules from the Regulations for Inmates, USP, a copy of which was given to each prisoner upon arrival.

1. You are entitled to food, clothing, shelter and medical attention. Anything else that you get is a privilege. I am presuming this doesn't extend to caviar, designer shoes, a suite at the Hyatt, or a face lift but elements of the more basic type.

2. As a general rule, you will work eight hours a day, five days a week, with Saturdays, Sundays and Holidays devoted to recreation. Weekend warriors or not?

3. LOAFING, LOITERING, VISITING, OR UNAUTHORIZED ABSENCE FROM WORK will result in disciplinary action, and may result in loss of your job, and withholding of, or forfeiture of, good time. Of course, in the outside world, loafing, loitering, and visiting during work may constitute a "good time."


4. Meals are served in the dining room three times a day. Do not exceed the ration. Do not waste food. Take what you eat; eat what you take. Of course, on the outside, leave some food on your plate, especially if you are on a date or watching your weight!

Lessons On the Outside

Following our departure by ferry, we visited the Farmer's Market at the Ferry Building, a foodie's paradise. Where else can you stand in line to buy "pig parts," artisan chocolates, and Acme bread? I picked up Indian spices and sauces, presumably to prepare curries at home which brings me to our next lesson.

5. Naan N' Curry: My twelve year old daughter and I practically convulsed with laughter when we noticed an Indian/Pakistani restaurant, open 24/7, across from our hotel. Because you never know when you might crave biriyani or curry at 2 am. Imagine our disappointment when we found out a la carte items were not available while the kitchen was undergoing renovations.

6. Try it, you'll like it Our trip offered many opportunities to try new experiences or tastes. My husband tried a Gewürztraminer. Our eight year old and I sought adventure on the Rocket Boat, a 45 mph rock n' roll cruise on the bay. All four of us rode across the Golden Gate Bridge on top of a double decker bus.

7. If you are a crab, it is best to avoid long, hot baths. At Fisherman's Wharf, we witnessed live crabs being boiled in vats until they turned red and were served up on someone's plate. To avoid a similar predicament, know when to get out of the jacuzzi or hot tub.

8. Window shopping should be an Olympic sport. While my husband went back to the hotel for some R & R, my "team" strolled around Union Square for some girl time. Saks, Neiman's, designer boutiques galore. Nordstrom's and Bloomie's a few blocks away. San Francisco is a shopper's nirvana. Birthplace of GAP, Esprit, Levi's, and Benefit Cosmetics, a fabulously fun cosmetic line started by the identical Ford twins with their modeling earnings. This witty line features such products as BADgal Mascara, dr. feelgood complexion balm, and pink to please woman...gold to get the guy color palette. Macy's Union Square features an fab Benefit boutique, complete with Brow Bar. I just love being a girl!

On our "workout," we noticed a window display at Macy's featuring the Verse collection of Converse, preferred shoe of my footwear interns and countless other tweens and teens. Available only at Macy's, Verse offers women sparkling glitter, shiny varnish prints, and hand-drawn graphics in a casual shoe. These shoes "tell stories" and "inspire the creative individuals who wear them to act spontaneously and discover their own stories." Glittery footwear is my personal Kryponite. And as a "creative individual," I will tell you spontaneity and self-discovery are not typically a problem for us right-brained types. Maybe we should pass out these shoes to lawyers, accountants, and other left-brained types?

Our four-day sojourn to San Francisco was filled with laughter, great food, and various modes of transportation. Long after the bracelets bought from street vendors are broken, the memories of family experiences and lessons remain. Back in L.A., I have renewed my vows to avoid wearing flip flops! (And I think I may have eaten enough sourdough bread to last me till the next trip!)

Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Yet!

"Ed better not f-ing disappoint me!" commented a circumspect yet madly in love Jillian on the fifth installment of "The Bachelorette." On a previous overnight date, Ed presumably was unable to come up with the goods, leaving Jillian waiting for her next suitor.

Jillian had a last chance to make out with both Ed and Kyptyn before making a final decision. Ed and Jillian share some steamy time in a helicopter before a romantic rain forest picnic where a curious slab of beef is set before Ed. Maybe a joke by some production assistants? "Where's the beef?" Ed and Jillian frolic in the surf and Ed meekly asks Jillian if she would "like to come back to his place." Usually this question ensues when a man ponies up the cost of a few cocktails, but whatever. The couple ends up in a hotel room. Volcanoes erupt. Coincidence? Jillian will always hold this over Ed's head, no pun intended.

Ed and Kryptyn both meet with Neil Lane, famed jewelry designer, to select a ring should they receive a final rose. We get to see Kryptyn and his buff bod and amazing six-pack, clad at various times in either board shorts or a white towel. Maybe it is all in the editing, but I could swear I heard Jillian wax about her hot chemistry with Kryptyn. Shortly thereafter, she declared undying love for Ed. But not before Reid showed up in a rumpled 80s style suit and white sneakers. Maybe he planned on making a run for it should he be turned down?

If I am not mistaken, this is not the first time a spurned contestant "talked his way" into coming back on the show. Come on, are we supposed to believe he phoned from home. "Hey, Mike, listen. I am really in love with this girl. PLEASE, let me come back?" "Well, OK. Just for a few minutes while we wait for Ed. But, you don't get a limo! And you will have to use your own miles to get a ticket!" I vaguely remember a former contestant flying all the way to some remote location in Italy. Imagine the surprise when the bachelor opened the door!

Reid's "surprise" visit threw Jillian for a loop. "Let's take five so I can reevaluate whom I want to spend the rest of my life with..." Or at least the few weeks before the finale aired.

Guess we'll have to wait till "After the Final Rose" to see if Ed and Jillian are still together. Does Ed have a girlfriend back in Chicago? Did Ed disappoint Jillian on more than one occasion? Who will be the next Bachelor?

In the meantime, we can watch "Dating in the Dark," and "More to Love."