Waiting for Godot!

The average American spends 159 hours in a lifetime waiting. OK, I just pulled that number out of my hat. As I spent much of today "lying in wait," I came up with a lifelong timeline of detainment. Here goes...

In utero: We spend approximately forty weeks waiting for our arrival into this world. Starting as a fertilized egg, we slowly develop from a tadpole into the more humanlike fetus. And then we wait...

Infancy: Much of babyhood is spent waiting. Waiting for a bottle or feeding. Waiting to be burped. Waiting to be changed. No wonder babies cry with so much frustration! It is almost worse than the DMV!

Toddler Stage: We have made it through infancy but are still waiting....Waiting for mom or dad to pick us up. Still waiting with the dirty diaper. Waiting for the next spoonful of mushy cereal. Waiting to eat something that doesn't resemble paste from a jar...Waiting for that first tooth to erupt...

Pre-Scho0l: The official home of learning to wait. Wait your turn on the tricycle. Wait for the purple crayon. Wait for the juice and cookies. Wait for your turn to talk...

Kindergarten: Still waiting. Waiting for the bus. Waiting for mommy or daddy to pick us up. Waiting for our turn in the bathroom. Waiting for the ball. Waiting for Susie to be finished with the doll.

Elementary School: Waiting for our turn as flag or office monitor. Waiting for the teacher to notice we are raising our hand. Waiting for our turn at the handball court or jump rope. Waiting to write the answer on the chalkboard. Waiting for the bus...

Junior High/Middle School: Waiting for our crush to notice us. Waiting for our friends to notice our new haircut, shirt, jeans. Waiting for an invitation to a big party. Waiting for our teacher to grade our essay. Waiting for the most popular school lunch. Waiting to get to high school.

High School: The waiting continues....Waiting to get a grade back. Waiting to find out if we made the team or got the lead part. Waiting to find out if that cute boy in Spanish likes you. Waiting for your friend to find out if he likes you. Waiting to see if he'll ask you to Homecoming. Waiting for your license. Waiting for a car. Waiting for your SAT scores. Waiting for your thick college acceptance letter. Waiting for your prom date. Waiting for graduation.

College: Waiting to register. Waiting for a bid from a sorority or fraternity. Waiting to sign up for a popular course. Waiting for an internship. Waiting in line at the keg. Waiting to talk to the professor. Waiting to talk to that guy or girl in your Psych 101 class. Waiting to find out if he or she has a girlfriend or boyfriend. Waiting for to find out a grade. Waiting to see if you got into Junior Year Abroad. Waiting for an internship. Waiting for graduation. Waiting for interviews. Waiting for a job.

Adulthood: Waiting. Waiting in line at the DMV, at the market in the express line in back of someone with 12 items. Waiting at the doctor's office/dentist's office/any office which only has year old "People" Magazines and "AARP." Waiting for test results. Waiting to hear about a job. Waiting for a returned phone call/text/e-mail. Waiting to pick up an accident report which isn't yet ready. Waiting at the pharmacy, both when you drop off a prescription and pick it up. Waiting for bread to rise. Waiting for something else to rise. Waiting at the cleaners, the bank, the post office. Looking back and noticing the line behind is now longer than the line in front which is the most fulfilling part of waiting.

Waiting for the bus. Waiting for a cab. Waiting for our outgoing or incoming flight. Waiting for someone else's incoming flight.

Waiting for the proposal. Waiting for the ring. Waiting to find out if she accepts. Waiting for the wedding. Waiting for the honeymoon. Waiting to find out if you got the house. Waiting for the movers. Waiting for the cable guy/electrician/plumber or anyone else with a four-hour window. Waiting for the home pregnancy test. Waiting for the doctor. Waiting for amnio results. Waiting to tell everyone. Waiting till the sixth month. Waiting for labor pains. Waiting for the epidural.

And then it starts all over again!

Better than "Tex"

A FB friend from high school posted she was doing mani/pedis and shoe shopping with her mom. Later on, she posted she bought three pairs of sunglasses for the price of one and one pair of shoes. I would have preferred the other way around!

I told her I was monogamous with my Chanel sunglasses but with shoes, I play the field. Although I live in sunny L.A., I have always been dedicated to one pair of expensive shades. Predating Blackberry and i Phone, I once left a sexy pair of Laura Biagotti's at the public phone at Kate Mantilini in Beverly Hills. This set me back $300 and a measure of personal pain. At one time, in NY, I did flirt with two pair of trendy Alain Mikli cat eyes which I turned into regular glasses. Very eighties. In college, I sported gold Vuarnets with that pink loop around my neck.

My obsession with Chanel started many years ago. I knew the time was right to purchase my stunning black Chanel shades which I will never give up. Till death do us part.

Shoes, however, are a completely different story. See, I am a shoe word that rhymes with door. (My 13 year old daughter is a follower of this blog so I will keep this rated PG!) The more, the merrier. If a pair of sexy and preferably expensive shoes so much as winks at me, I am off and running. I am not the kind of girl to wear the same pair of shoes each day, despite the name of this column. I am a footwear flirt.

Today, I made a quick pit stop into Nordstrom's Rack, just to check out the scene. Much like a cougar scans the crowd at the local watering hole, I was drawn to the shoe rack in my size. Wow! Jimmy, Manolo, and Christian all awaited in my size! I resisted temptation but had a brief thought. Finding a pair of uber designer shoes at a discount outlet can be somewhat orgasmic. Scratch that. From what I recall, perhaps better than word that rhymes with Tex....

Screw Traffic!

Driving on the freeways of Southern California, one notices all sorts of reasons for traffic tie ups. Accidents, stalled cars, debris in the roadway. Yesterday, someone left a blow up doll in the middle of the carpool lane of the 60 freeway in Mira Loma.

We have all seen movies where some jerk kicks his girlfriend out of the car following an argument. This leaves me wondering what the blow up doll did to warrant such a reaction. Certainly, she didn't spurn his sexual advances. I thought that was kind of the point of blow up dolls, aside from perhaps some sexual fetish.

What would Ponch and Jon do?

Top Ten List of Why Not To Bang Your Female Employees

This just in from The Home Office. Last night, in a stranger than life on camera appearance, David Letterman admitted to his audience he had sex with his female employees. Not one. Presumably not two. He was forced to come clean following an extortion attempt by a male producer who threatened to write a movie or book about his claim. The producer has since been charged with grand larceny.

I heard chuckling from the studio audience who may have thought this was a joke. I mean, I am a firm believer that humor and power (and really good champagne) are aphrodisiacs. Yet, I am a bit skeptical about the sexual draw of the gap toothed Letterman. Who would have thunk? This guy married his longtime girlfriend after siring a son in midlife. He has suffered from heart ailments which, from the warning voice in drug ads would preclude him from taking Viagara or Cialis. I would have thought he "might have been advised by his doctor he might not be healthy enough for sexual activity." At least sexual activity with most of his employees!

In an era of sexual harassment lawsuits, I am frankly surprised Dave would mix business with pleasure, especially with a multitude of underlings. Didn't he think they might talk by the water cooler?

The top story on my local 11:00 news featured comments by the manager of The Comedy Store and Jeannie Wolf, TV gossip columnist, who concurred that this scandal would bounce off Dave. Fodder for other late night hosts.

Oh, what I would give to be a fly on the wall at The Late Show's office Christmas party!

So Play the Game of Life!

A few months back, I blogged about "solemates," friendships and the like. Life in transition, I've become contemplative. Life resembles the eponymous board game, you know the one with the little cars and pink and blue stick people? Roll the dice, move five spaces ahead. Next turn, take a time out or move back four spaces.

Sometimes life is in the roll of the dice or a game of chance. An eternal glass half-full girl, I am a firm believer in fate. We meet seemingly random people who help guide us to our next place, professionally and personally. That is, if we are open to the experience.

I've been fortunate in the past few months to reconnect and also to meet a group of amazing new friends. Make new friends and keep the old. Chance meetings have led to close friendships and new career opportunities. Through Craigslist, I met a clothing designer with an artist husband. I felt an instant rapport. The designer is making some clothing for me; I will be repping her husband's artwork. Attended a wine tasting event a few months back, expecting to taste some nice wines and catch up with some girlfriends. Ended up meeting an amazing new friend who has helped me through some rough spots.

What we put out, we get back in spades. Karma. The Golden Rule. When we put our positive energy and a smile into the universe, we'll receive positive energy and smiles in return.

OMG! I Am Going to be a Mom!

"Like, I have been throwing up for like two mornings now..." Pan to bathroom vanity covered with home pregnancy tests....Wow! They are so cute and purple! "I can't hide this from Khloe much longer but it is just so hard for me to say I am pregnant." "OMG, I am going to be a mom." "I think I'll pose nude while pregnant. I don't know. I'll have to think about it." "I like when you can see it, I like run around at home naked all day."

Kourtney Kardashian is like a fountain of knowledge about like the whole pregnancy thing...

Now, I have absolutely no gripe with the Kardashian/Jenner crew. I have shopped in Smooch and Dash, seen Bruce at my local Starbuck's, and even have some mutual friends. And I have heard reality tv editors confess to utilizing editing and scripts to spin the story. There's no such thing as bad publicity, yada yada yada. An eternal optimist who sees the good in virtually everyone, I am hoping these quotes are taken out of context. I mean, Kourtney like graduated from the like University of Arizona...

Last week's episode, "All Men Are Dogs," showed a nauseated Kourtney of late period on a road trip through the Everglades with sister Khloe in their Porsche Cayenne. Derailed and saved by a few Floridian guys who reminded me of the 70s film "Deliverance," they spent the night in a bug infested cabin without like cell service. Bummer. (What happened to the camera crew?) Jumbled shots of barf in the toilet and retching noises throughout. Gross!

According to Kourtney, she like forgot to take her pill. No worries. The pregnancy has like "improved her relationship" with boyfriend Scott. Good to know. In this week's US, Scott gushes on his favorite qualities of his baby mama. "I think she's gorgeous. Her body is perfect." Yikes.

I am guessing the sister on sister competition is also a publicity stunt? Kim Kardashian told E!, "She's huge. She is huuuuge! I think she's in denial of buying maternity clothes, because she just borrows Khloe's clothes." "Khloe is going to kill me for saying that, but it's really because Khloé is so much taller. Kourtney will take Khloé's top and wear it as a dress...She will not buy maternity clothes. I don't know what's wrong with her." Wow.

Kim also told a website, "She just only craves healthy food . . . I gotta get pregnant." Double wow.

You know, I have like only the best wishes for like Kourtney and Scott. Really. In fact, I may even go into Smooch, Kourney and Kris's children store, to buy a gift! Like, totally!

Sanka for the Starbuck's Crowd

Please say it ain't so...

As a Starbuck's junkie who looks forward to my daily fix, I have adjusted my coffee consumption during this economic downturn/recession. Unless I am meeting a colleague or friend, I brew at home. To me, the Starbuck's experience has always been part cappucino/part social. Sort of like the Cheers of the 90s and beyond. "Where everybody knows your name..." Well, at least the barista who may also know your usual drink is a 2% dry cap.

When I first read Starbuck's would be selling Via instant coffee, my stomach did a backwards flip. I am old enough to remember my grandparents ordering Sanka from crusty diner waitresses. I can even picture the orange and brown packets. The only thing worse than Sanka might be Sanka with two packs of the "pink stuff." I also recall those little glass jars of Nescafe. Now, I have been drinking java since my pre-school years. While chocolate milk might have been a treat for my friends, I preferred a touch of my mom's coffee in one of those little plastic creamers. It wasn't a huge leap to my own cup of coffee. In fact, in high school, my breakfast was a glass cup of coffee (with skim milk, ycch!), 1/2 cup of Friendship cottage cheese, and a few orange slices or handful of grapes.

I can even remember my very first cappucino, at Fisherman's Wharf during a family trip to San Francisco. Creamy, whole milk, a foamy head. I was hooked.

During college, my friend Adam and I took turns brewing gourmet beans in our mini Krups so when we returned from class, a cup of joe would always be awaiting us. Unfortunately, the 80s were a hey day for flavored blends. We would unvariably purchase Southern pecan, Seville orange, or some other oily beans which would leave us nauseated, dumping the grinds into the trash can.

Adam who later worked his way up the ranks of both Starbuck's and Seattle's Best turned me on to Starbuck's venti iced latte's during a trip to visit him in Chicago. Living in L.A. at the time, I was thrilled when Starbuck's in Pavilion's, my local market.

I currently go back and forth from Starbuck's to a local coffee house which roasts its own beans. But, there is a certain level of comfort derived from being able to grab a venti cap at the airport or in a distant city. I know I will at least have a good, "bold" cup of coffee.

Which leads me to the Via. Why? Certainly not the price point, at approximately a dollar per cup. Convenience? There is still a Starbuck's on almost every corner and most of us own those little thermal carafes.

I think I was most disturbed by the airline/Via connection. Although airplane coffee is a pretty abyssmal brew, second only to those little "coffee-bag" contraptions found in hotel rooms or at the carwash. The best thing about it is that it's free. Well, until now. United Airlines will be selling 3-packs of Via to its in-flight customers. Wonder if they will start charging for the stale pretzels or honey-roast peanuts?

According to Howard Schultz, Starbuck's CEO and my personal rock star, most folks won't be able to tell the difference between freshly brewed coffee and its instant counterpart. I remain a bit skeptical. But, what have I got to lose? I can always sprinkle some into my espresso brownie batter and call it a day!